One of the first things new mothers tend to lose after they have a baby is their personal time to take care of themselves. We shower less, we do our hair less, and we put on make-up and dress up less. Women are so vulnerable during that first post-partum year. We worry that sex after having a baby will be different, and not in a good way. We worry about our new bodies, and the new obstacles we have to overcome to even find the time to have sex. If we manage to scrape up enough time to have sex, it’s very unlikely we’ve also had the time to shower, and ladyscape.

For some reason the trend over the last several decades has been for women to have less and less hair. As if being a woman isn’t hard enough, now we have to remove all the hair that naturally grows pretty much everywhere. Men want smooth legs and underarms. Some men want no trace of hair in our bikini area either. This demand from men has always seemed so insane to me. So you want us to hit puberty so we can grow boobs, and our curves can start to take shape. You want us to turn into women, but then shave away all of the evidence of what actual woman look like. Ok, I guess I could have just stayed pre-pubescent and men would like that? It’s dumb; and one more thing to add to my to-do list, way down there at the bottom below plucking my eyebrows.

Let’s get real here; I have three human beings that I keep alive daily. I feed them (one literally feeds from my body directly still), I bathe them, clothe them, teach them, care for them. I have one husband, with whom I feed, bathe, clothe, teach and care for (haha). Then oh yeah, there is actually me! I have to feed myself, bathe myself, clothe myself, continually teach myself ( Oh shit, yeah don’t let Millie do that again, oops), and care for myself. Ladyscaping is pretty low on that list of priorities. As if I don’t have enough to worry about in the bedroom now after having three children in four years, I have to worry about how my lady business looks like it’s been OUT OF BUSINESS for some time now. Don’t get me wrong, those few showers I do get each week, I’ll do some maintenance, but it’s no piece of art.

The other day Sean and I snuck off to the bedroom while the kids were enjoying their afternoon snack and watching a tv show. We carefully shut the door and quietly locked it behind us. I crawled onto the bed, and debated if sex was really what I wanted or if I’d rather close my eyes and pretend I “accidentally fell asleep” before he came back from the bathroom. I decided I’d have sex, then pretend I “accidentally fell asleep” afterwards. To my surprise, Sean was in a giving mood and started making his way down to take care of momma for a change. In that moment, most woman jump for joy and do a little happy dance in their head. Me, I immediately tensed up and told him to stop.

“Nope, no Bueno, that is not happening good sir. I would need to prep and get things in order.” I said pulling him back up to the safe zone.

He looked at me like I was insane. Of course a man would have no idea why a woman would hesitate receiving such a delightful gift. A man doesn’t care if he has ever manscaped before. He’s a man. Men have hair. Of course they don’t care.

Women care. I care. There is no way in hell I would be able to relax enough to achieve an orgasm so what is the point in laying their all uncomfortable while he searches for the golden ticket.

“Please stop. Let’s just do our normal thing. I’m not prepared and I don’t want you going down there looking around like you’re lost in the jungle.”

As if his hysterical laughter wasn’t bad enough he responded, “Baby, I used to landscape, don’t you worry… I’ll find it.”

I playfully smacked him across the head and we carried on, but his comment got me thinking. Originally, I was annoyed that once again a moment where I felt so vulnerable and self-conscious, he was able to laugh it off and stand at attention no problem. Wasn’t he turned-off by me now? I’ve had so many damn babies, and hell he watched me have them all… how can he still find me attractive?

Several days later I talked to a girl-friend over coffee about how her relationship was going. Apparently, it had been a long; I mean long, time since her and her partner have had sex. This last time was the first time in a long time since the time before that. I started prying into why and came up with the conclusion that she doesn’t have time to ladyscape either. Of course it’s not that simple, but for both of us, confidence was a big issue in the bedroom. So I thought some more about Sean’s occupational joke and ladies, I’ve got something to say.

Your man, the one who has decided to enter a relationship with you, possibly even VOWED to love you until death do you part, that man… he fucking loves you. He is your landscaper. He loves you for who you were yesterday, who you are now and who you will be tomorrow. If you are with someone who tells you he finds you sexy, it’s because HE DOES. If you are with someone who tells you he is turned on by you, it’s because HE IS.

I can’t tell you how many times Sean will tell me I’m beautiful and I immediately respond with some stupid dismissal like he had to be lying. Why would he come up to me and say I’m beautiful if he didn’t really think I was. Why would he chase me around all day grabbing all over me if he didn’t really want to be with me? Why do we make ourselves feel so down about our bodies in the moments that our men are trying to make us feel up? They have absolutely no other reason to tell us we are sexy other than they think we are and they want to have sex WITH US.

So since I can’t afford laser hair removal yet, the next time my man feels giving, I’m going to pretend he really is the gardener and I am the rich housewife. He is here to trim my bushes; and I will let my husband take care of his wife; sans ladyscaping.


ADWEEK cocacola coke thirst pool boy GIF

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