Hello friends, sorry it has been a little while since I last posted anything. I kind of fell apart this week. Like a full body and mind meltdown. I need to admit that happens more often then I show. I need to admit that I take on too much, that I need to slow down.
Late Wednesday afternoon my headache began. The girls were all fighting. I was still watching my friend’s daughter Raelyn for a couple more hours and I was growing more and more exhausted trying to keep them all happy. Raelyn fell asleep on the couch, and I settled Millie down for her nap. I managed to sneak Evie and Livie back into my room and turned on a show for Evie. The pounding in my head intensified. My eyes started bouncing side-to-side, unable to focus. Whatever Evie just said echoed inside my mind, but I could never quite understand the words. I called Sean, he didn’t answer. I nursed Livie to sleep. I pushed start on another episode for Evie. I called Sean. I checked on Raelyn, she was still sleeping. I took Tylenol. I called Sean. I tried to rest my eyes for the next hour while all of these sweet girls rested theirs. The clock ticked forward and Raelyn’s mom picked her up. Sean finally answered his phone and he came home.
I tried to sleep, but in order to sleep you need quiet. You need your kids to leave you alone. You need to not have a nursing baby. I slept in two hour increments. Heads don’t have time to heal during sleep like that. My alarms started at 3:45. That’s when I normally start my day. I hit snooze and that day’s reading was forgotten. Second alarm, goodbye blog. Third alarm, I guess its cold coffee today. Fourth alarm isn’t my phone, but Evie’s tiny finger poking my cheek. Sean thought he was being helpful by letting me sleep as long as possible, so he snuck off to work leaving me in bed and the kids on the couch watching tv. I woke up feeling worse than when I’d gone to sleep. Luckily for me it was Thursday, and my mother was planning to visit. I managed to pull myself from my bed, grab pop tarts from the pantry for the kids and throw myself onto the couch in the living room. My mom arrived, late; but she showed up.
I spent the day trying to be a mom. It was a pretty sad attempt. A lot of nursing Livie in bed, followed by throwing food at the kids, attempted naps, lots of the everyday madness that is my life. By the end of the day my head was still pounding. I wound up going to a doctor to get something, anything, to make the headache stop.
Friday arrived and I had to go to work. The idea of leaving my kids for the day now after I was a mombie for the last two, sucked, but I left. Lucky for me, two of my jobs rescheduled to other days so I only had one house. Just my biggest house. I felt hungover. My head still a little woozy, my body aching. I tried to clean as best as I could and hide how much I wanted to just curl up on their couch and watch tv instead. They totally wouldn’t care if I did. Well, ok, they would probably care, but do I? Look how comfy their couch looks… and they have such good snacks.
I got home close to 1:00, and had planned to shower and eat lunch. Evie begged me to cuddle on the couch. So I skipped the shower, and skipped the lunch, and cuddled on the couch. This would be a great example of what that crazy doc was talking about… oh make sure you eat your meals and take care of yourself shit…. But has he ever been able to say no to an Evie snuggle? I don’t think so. Lunch can wait.
Saturday I once again had to leave for work. As soon as I pulled out my pump Evie was upset. I decided to take her with me to my first house. We had a blast, and he was so well behaved. I wish I could always take her, but I’m guessing that was some kind of weird, I really miss you, well behaved fluke.
Sunday was the first day I felt completely back to my normal self; the normal mom who was excited to take on the challenges of her three children and her goofy-ass husband. We had an Easter dinner at my grandma’s in Marblehead. I woke up refreshed, packed up the children and food we needed to take, got the girls dressed, got myself dressed, and we headed for the Lake. It was a pretty typical day for all of us. Evie was clingy and a bit stingy with her affection. Millie cried for several hours, and then made your heart melt when she smiled and her large two front teeth stuck out of her evil little grin. Livie, smiled and rolled around the house barely making a peep at all. I amaze even myself with how much energy and positivity I can muster up when around my grandma. She needs to think everything is ok; I want her to know everything is ok. So I smile, and joke, and parent in my nice voice.
I spent the day internally panicking, I listed all the things I needed to do once I returned home. I had to get the house back in order; we needed to get the girls to bed on time. I went hour by hour my schedule for the next week. New classes at the Y start this week. Why did I register for so many classes again? I’d really like to actually make some of the ones for myself. Evie is in cheerleading, how cute… Why do they make classes for kids at 6:30 though? Maybe 7:00 is too early of a bed time for kids…. F that, I wish I could put them to bed at 5:00. I haven’t cleaned up the house all week; I bet I have seven loads of laundry. Sean’s going to be late all this week, it’s year-end at work and he’s THE accounting department. Of course he will be late, even if it wasn’t the week of year-end. I think he made that up, “year-end”.
“It’s year-end hunny, so I’m going to have to go have a drink at the bar and not come home to you and this insanity we call our life together.”
That’s not true, and I’m fairly certain there really is a thing called year-end, and it really does suck. When do I get to have my year-end? I’ll need next week to “finalize the books”, finish the ten books I’ve been attempting to read since the start of the year but can never quite get through because I’m a wife and mother. I’ll need to “organize the files”, take a fucking break and rest my mind. Let things make it to long term memory instead of juggling a million things and forgetting them all. Take down the 100 post-it notes everywhere reminding me of what needs to get done. I’ll need to set up a pot-luck to “reward my employees”, drink wine and eat a sleeve of Oreo’s in the closet by myself. I will hold “employee reviews”.
Evie: stop being so sassy and needy.
Millie: stop all the fucking crying. You have a great life.
Livie: keep being cute. You get a raise.
I’ll need a week in May off to recuperate.
None of those will happen. Tomorrow I will do my best to be here again, in front of my computer screen. This is the only place I get to recuperate. This computer is the only kid not expecting anything from me. This blank page is the only person who doesn’t want something from me. My cursor blinks at me, in an inviting and friendly way. Here to listen to MY words, and MY struggles. It doesn’t look at me like I need to by hospitalized when I say I want to stick Millie in the trunk for crying over nothing again. It doesn’t think I’m a horrible mom for wanting to tell Evie to go cuddle with something else so I can just take a god damn shower. It doesn’t think that I’m a bitchy wife when I shut down my husband’s advances again. It tells me to breathe, a steady, unwavering, friendly reminder with each blink. Breathe Julie, breathe. You are enough, and you are doing a good job.
song of the day: While driving home from the Lake yesterday Sean and I were snipping at each other over little things. I hate being the passanger, and he hates when I’m his passanger. I am in a constant state fear for my life and my family. I think every other car is out to get us. So I critique every decision he makes. He tries not to hit me. This song came on, and we belted out the lyrics. I am a huge Alanis fan. She’s my people. Sean looked at me like he liked me again as I belted out everyword, and every weird background noise too.