Every time I think things are going to start slowing down, I realize that nothing is slower; I’ve just forgotten a ton of shit I was supposed to do. This life, being a mom and a wife, is constant. There are no breaks, no slow days. After several busy weekends planning and hosting parties, I found myself stretched very thin. I have never forgotten as many things as I did this past week. I was so exhausted and so overwhelmed that I made life so much harder than it needed to be. I didn’t prepare for things the way I normally do. Monday I went to visit and grocery shop for my grandma who is 91 and lives a couple hours away from me. I try to do this weekly, but since my youngest was born, I usually only make it up bi-weekly. I know that I am a good granddaughter and make it up to see her as much as I can, but I feel such heartache when a week passes and I haven’t gone to see her. After my daughter’s first birthday this weekend my home looked like it had been hit by a natural disaster; but I left it all for when I got back. First mistake.

I packed the kids up just minutes after they had woken up. I put cereal into a zip lock bag for each kid and forced them into their car seats. Millie, who just turned two a couple weeks ago, thinks it’s hilarious to play musical chairs in the car now. She climbs into the van and throws herself into a different car seat every drive. I could force her into her designated seat, but let’s be honest here, why rock the boat? This means that every time I buckle them in I have to adjust everyone’s straps and everyone’s toys that are scattered all around the van. Once I finally have them all buckled I go back inside and pack for the day. Pro tip: buckle them first, then they can’t bother you while they pack. I suggest starting vehicle, with garage open for ventilation… this isn’t some Lifetime movie where the mom kills her kids because she’s all psycho and sleep deprived. Yes I’m psychotic and no I can’t remember the last time I slept longer than a 2 hour stretch, but I just wanna pack grandma some goddamn leftovers in peace.

While at Grams I feel a sense of goodness wash over me. I know that all of the work it takes to get my three small children up there is worth it when she tells me over and over how much she loves them and how amazing it is to watch them grow. I try to hold onto that feeling when she yells at me for buying the wrong coffee again, even though I explained that they stopped selling that specific kind at her grocery store here. I make a mental note to add coffee to the list of food I buy at home and bring up with me next to the sharp cheddar cheese made by Hellavagood cheese brand, not Kraft, because that “tastes like shit”.  My sweet gram can be a bit of a picky bitch lately, but I love her and all of her cursing at my toddlers. I realize mistake number 2 when I unpack my cooler and have forgotten the four blocks of cheese, and the present my husband bought her at home. It doesn’t matter that I have an entire cooler full of food I brought up for her, I forgot the goddamn cheese. Second mistake.

I usually wait until all kids are in full meltdown mode before packing up to leave Grams and head for home. This happens between 2 and 3:00, when it’s a couple hours past Millie’s nap time. At two-years-old, I deem myself one of the luckiest mom’s on the planet, because she will nap sometimes 4 hours each day. She walks up to you and says bottle, then turns to her sister and says goodnight. Ok, jackpot. Thank you Lord for this blessing you have bestowed upon my family. Not only will she lay down for that stretch of time, but usually she wakes up and plays and goes back down to bed at 7:00 with no issues. Sometimes she wakes up after 4 hours and she’s Chuckie, but that only happens sometimes… However, this blessing is also a curse, because if she happens to not nap, she becomes a raging Millie- monster.

We get home and I realize I completely forgot Livie’s one year well visit at the doctor. Oops, I also forgot to even schedule Millie a two-year-well visit. Mistake 3 and 4.

I call the doctor and the receptionist, who knows me and the girls by name, said the whole office was talking about us and worried when we missed the appointment. “You never miss appointments, you’re never even late…” her voice started to trail off as I looked around at the chaotic mess of a shithole I call home.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Mittleman, are you still there?”

“Shit, yes I’m sorry, I need to reschedule Livie’s appointment, and make one for Millie too.”

Omg, I just said shit outloud…. So much for being the put together mom that they all say is a supermom every time we go in… Mistake 5.

Apparently, back to school time is super busy at the doctors, so the girls will have to wait for their checkups; I assure the receptionist they are just fine, healthy and annoying as ever. They have plenty of energy to drive me insane so obviously they are “thriving”.

Two days post party and I try to clean up the mess with three small children around. I mine as well be making the mess worse on purpose. I give up after a few pathetic attempts and binge eat left over cake in my room instead.

Hangovers have taken on a whole new meaning now. I used to get a hangover after crazy fun night partying; now it’s my kids with the hangovers and I’m losing my mind. Parties throw off every routine and level of normalcy they have. They don’t nap, eat way too much sugar, drink juice, get a ton of toys and do whatever they want for a whole day.  It’s Sunday, a week later, and I finally have the house and the kids under control. It took an entire week to recover from the party.


Guess what’s on the to-do list today?


A birthday party.


Fuck me.

2 Replies to “Hangover.”

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